2012 The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly...

Traditionally I have written a "Top 10" post to round out the year. A list with pictures of my family's best moments, vacations, etc to show you all just what we have been up to (2010 and 2011)

Well...I'm going to be perfectly honest. 2012 was rough. And that's an understatement.

I was very reluctant to link up the 2010 and 2011 posts from my old blog...because as I look back on them my "best of" moments were actually not very good at all. Things were very hard for me in Chicago, and I played it all off like life was good and we were a happy little family with our 2 pups and life was just swell.

 The Ugly:
If you have been following me, you know that it was not. My VERY BEST moment of 2012...

Leaving Chicago. This was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. It was the easiest decision I have ever made, but it was not easy to do. Does that even make sense? My marriage was over LONG before I left, but I was scared...terrified even, to leave. It is something that I cannot even begin to describe to you. Maybe one day.
All I know is that I am stronger, smarter, happier and have never felt more alive than I do now. Being HOME with the people who love and care about me has never felt so good.

Aside from leaving my husband and loosing my home, I also left behind and AMAZING job in Chicago. I could not have been any happier than I was in that position. My boss taught me everything I know about Cardiology and gave me the skills that made it possible for me to take the position that I am in now. He and his wife also were so generous to me during my struggle after leaving, and I can never thank them enough for that.


The Bad:
In the midst of picking up the pieces of my life, I lost one of the most influential and important people in it. My Ma. I'm 28 and until August 6th had all four of my grandparents living. I have lost a few friends, but never someone extremely close.

She has been slowly slipping away from us, body and mind, for the last 5-7 years, but that never makes it any easier. I still called her every Sunday and answered her as she repeated the same questions and reminded her of day-to-day details that were sometimes fuzzy to her.

She was the epitome of a Southern lady. Always dressed to the nines. She loved all animals, the Redskins, and her family...especially her grandchildren.

She died on a Tuesday morning at quarter to six. I cried all the way to work, and still do some days. I miss her like crazy. Her funeral was beautiful, just as she would have wanted it.

My Daddad is doing OK. At 85 he really has no physical or mental restrictions and is enjoying things that he has not been able to do for years because so lovingly has been caring for Ma. I've called him and found him to be out metal detecting, gardening, fishing, on skype with his brother or reading a book She died 2 months before their 63rd wedding anniversary. I can only hope to find love like that.

The Good:
Finally...enough of this depressing crap!!
Despite my emotional train wreck, some good things DID happen in 2012! Being in Chicago for the last 4 years, it KILLED me to be away from friends and family. Coming back home meant just that...being HOME.
Two of the very first people I rushed to go see (aside from Mom, Dad, Erin and Hannah!) were of course, Aron and Jason...my dudes, my stinkers, my main men.

Aron and Jason have been through a lot this year as well. Their dad is one of my very best friends, and I'm happy to say that 2012 brought him:
1. A final divorce from their mother (sounds bad, but is a very good thing)
2. A marriage to Gioia (yay!)
3. A beautiful new home
4. The birth of the boy's brother!!

Meet Jackson...he melts me <3

 Just after my grandmother died, I got some new ink...my cousin (well...2nd cousin, once removed) Brian did it. Through some genealogy research, Brian found us on facebook and had been communicating with my aunts, dad, myself etc. He is an accomplished tattoo artist and I am VERY lucky to call him my cousin. He is still working on it, so I do not have a picture...but stay turned for the end result as well as before and after shots, as this is a cover up job!

Oscar has THRIVED since we moved back home. I was initially very worried about him being away from Lyla, since they had been pretty much joined at their cute little doxie hips since they were 6 months old.
Separating them was not ideal, but that is what had to happen, and there was no way in hell that Kurt was going to keep Oscar up there, so that is the compromise that I made.
Since coming to Virginia, he has:
1. Lost a pound (That's a lot for a little dog! And ideal weight  for him!)
2. Learned to safely navigate up and down stairs (He NEVER did stairs before, had to be carried)
3. Continued to ring his jingle bell on the back door to go outside, and even "taught" some of the other dogs to do the same
4. Gotten to sleep in bed with Momma (Never could before, because Lyla could not be trusted

I signed on to be an Independent Creative Partner with Initials Inc. in November. I've already earned some extra money and free product. I like that I have the freedom to work as much or as little as I want to, and hope to continue to do well with this. With a little slice of luck, I can do well enough with this to cut down on my hours at work and be able to go back to school!

That was a hella long post, but its been a hella long year.
Happy New Year!!

One month.

It's been a month now since my Ma passed away. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it was a year ago. It's a very strange feeling. Part of it is because of her Alzheimer's.
 She has been slipping away from us for so long, it's hard to remember when the last time she was actually 100% with us. And even then, she was very forgetful, often repeating herself, I wonder how long she had been fighting this disease within her own mind, before we were able to pick up on it.
I've been able to talk about it more and more as the days go on. I love my job for that reason, I meet so many people, and being the medical field, you meet people who have dealt with things like this, who are going through it, or who have a loved one with it.

Here is an amazing picture of my grandparents, that I've had sitting in my room for probably 20 years, in every room I've had, including my dorm room. It was taken just outside their first home. You can't see the white picket fence, but no lie...there is one in the rest of the pic =)
The look so happy, and she is so beautiful, and he is so handsome, and looks just like my dad!

And this is them at my wedding, the day before their 58th wedding anniversary. They would have been married 61 years this October.

I miss her like crazy.
Seriously, longest and shortest month of my life.

When there just are no words...

I had some awesome posts planned for this week, and I just can't bring myself  past all the tears and hurt to post. I'm sorry to those of you who read them.

I lost my amazing grandmother on Monday, August 6th at about 6am. And then I had to cry all the way to work, put on my big girl face, and work all day long. being an adult bites, big time!

It was one of the most horrible moments. Worse than any injury, or boyfriend breakup, or being abused by my ex husband, or being fired, or anything...Actually, it was the worst moment in my 28 years on this earth, and it still feels that way.

It's been 4 days now, and I still feel like it can't possibly be true. It hurts to breathe, I have had a migraine since then. Even though in the last 5 years, her Alzheimer's has been slowly taking her away from us, but she was still there...I could touch her, and I could hear her voice.

The other week I was looking at a photo of her from my cousin's wedding, in 2002, and I thought, "Damn, I miss her!" and I thought to myself, what a horrible thing to say about a person who is still alive. It was because of the Alzheimer's. 

There were times when I would call her every Sunday from Chicago and she would tell my dad she hadn't heard from me in years. But she always, always, ALWAYS knew who I was. No matter what...until about 2 weeks ago.

Two weeks ago she was complaining of persistent left arm pain, so my grandpa took her to the ER, I met him there, and I was in my scrubs still, because it was after work. I held her hand, and helped them keep her still to get an IV in. I helped her up to the bathroom, I helped her into the wheel chair, I helped her back into her clothes when it was all over. I'm trained to do this stuff, I can at least help my grandpa out by giving him a break. She looked at me and said "You all are so sweet here!"

It took my breath away for a minute, she thought I was one of the nurses. I took her fragile face in my hands and said "Ma, it's Emily, your Emily. I'm here." She had no idea. This was the very first time she didn't know me. She told me I was beautiful, and "a good little nursie." So props for that.

I cried all the way home. I knew she couldn't help it, but it broke me a little.

That was the last time I saw her. I was no longer her "Em," but her "nursie," and that's OK...because that's what she needed that day.

I miss her so bad it hurts. I miss the crafts we made, the flowers we planted, the long talks about nothing. The time I accidentally turned the shower on her, fully clothed....when I was 7 and she never let me live it down. My little mop that I used to follow her around with when I was just barely walking. I miss watching the deer in the morning with her. I miss hearing about all the genealogy research she had done. I miss the cards she sent every time I went away to camp, and even into college...once a month, without fail.

People keep telling me it will get better, and I know it will get easier, but it will never get better, because I will never again have my Ma again.

I know she is no longer in pain, and she has her memories again, and she is looking down on us, and I am so happy for that. I love you so much Ma,
Love always,
Your Miss Em
and your "Nursie" when you needed me the most

 

This picture was taken just before my wedding. My wedding was held outside and she couldn't make it out there because of the slope of the ground, so we got her a special inside seat so she could watch from the window. This also meant that she got to see the bride FIRST, which made her day! Now that my marriage is over, I don't care a bit about ANY of the photos except these first few with my Ma! I love them and I will always cherish those first few moments I had with her before marrying that jerk face!