Recipe book?

I guess in 2012 it is less important to hold onto things such as a recipe book or box the way that our mothers or grandmothers did. When we need a recipe for anything in the world, we are 30seconds away from finding 20 different variations of it, one vegan, one gluten free, one made with only the finest ingrediants flown in from France, etc etc etc on your lap tops or smart phones.

We could even find out what Rachael Ray thinks of it or read the reviews of the last 25 people who visited the website! Amazeballs!
All this said, I stillthink that there is something special about those little boxes or books of best-kept secrets that ALL of our grandmas had, tucked away somewhere in thier kitchens. My gram knew most of those hand-written, concoctions by heart. She raised five hungry kids, she could probably double and triple the recipes in her sleep!

She gave her well worn, metal recipe box to my mom when I was in high school. She was only cooking for one at that point and wanted to pass it on. I loved  looking at the cards where she had written her own mother's recipes onto before she got married, so that she could prepare them for her new husband, and eventually her family. I love that she has chocolate finger prints on some of them, and made little notes in the margins, and has recipes clipped from magazines and newspapers!

My mom also started a similar box just before she married my dad. Hers is a little less worn, a little less used. ha ha...I love my mom, don't get me wrong...she is just not quite the cook that my Gram is :)

When I was 16 or so, I started to write some of my favorite recipes down in a little notebook. I wrote down in the margin which grandma or friend or magazine I had gotten it from. As I grew older and moved into my own home, I started to use this book, despite my access to the internet and it's millions of recipes. These recipes were tried and true! I KNEW these were good, no guess work involved!! I even have recipes in there from my ex-boyfriend's grandma that were Ah-Mazing!

Well...the book is gone, and I suspect it got left in Chicago (super sad face.) I know that I can probably find all of the recipes online, and just print them out, or bookmark them on my computer in case I ever need to find them again...but to tell you the truth, it will never be the same! I'll never be able to browse the pages of my book when I need to bring a dessert to a church potluck and see my chocolate thumb prints and say "YES!! This one was delicious," without a doubt in my mind again.

I've started a new book, and I've started re-copying some of my Gram's recipes from her box...but if anyone has some awesome recipes that they don't mind sharing, PLEASE send them my way ;)

One month.

It's been a month now since my Ma passed away. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it was a year ago. It's a very strange feeling. Part of it is because of her Alzheimer's.
 She has been slipping away from us for so long, it's hard to remember when the last time she was actually 100% with us. And even then, she was very forgetful, often repeating herself, I wonder how long she had been fighting this disease within her own mind, before we were able to pick up on it.
I've been able to talk about it more and more as the days go on. I love my job for that reason, I meet so many people, and being the medical field, you meet people who have dealt with things like this, who are going through it, or who have a loved one with it.

Here is an amazing picture of my grandparents, that I've had sitting in my room for probably 20 years, in every room I've had, including my dorm room. It was taken just outside their first home. You can't see the white picket fence, but no lie...there is one in the rest of the pic =)
The look so happy, and she is so beautiful, and he is so handsome, and looks just like my dad!

And this is them at my wedding, the day before their 58th wedding anniversary. They would have been married 61 years this October.

I miss her like crazy.
Seriously, longest and shortest month of my life.

When there just are no words...

I had some awesome posts planned for this week, and I just can't bring myself  past all the tears and hurt to post. I'm sorry to those of you who read them.

I lost my amazing grandmother on Monday, August 6th at about 6am. And then I had to cry all the way to work, put on my big girl face, and work all day long. being an adult bites, big time!

It was one of the most horrible moments. Worse than any injury, or boyfriend breakup, or being abused by my ex husband, or being fired, or anything...Actually, it was the worst moment in my 28 years on this earth, and it still feels that way.

It's been 4 days now, and I still feel like it can't possibly be true. It hurts to breathe, I have had a migraine since then. Even though in the last 5 years, her Alzheimer's has been slowly taking her away from us, but she was still there...I could touch her, and I could hear her voice.

The other week I was looking at a photo of her from my cousin's wedding, in 2002, and I thought, "Damn, I miss her!" and I thought to myself, what a horrible thing to say about a person who is still alive. It was because of the Alzheimer's. 

There were times when I would call her every Sunday from Chicago and she would tell my dad she hadn't heard from me in years. But she always, always, ALWAYS knew who I was. No matter what...until about 2 weeks ago.

Two weeks ago she was complaining of persistent left arm pain, so my grandpa took her to the ER, I met him there, and I was in my scrubs still, because it was after work. I held her hand, and helped them keep her still to get an IV in. I helped her up to the bathroom, I helped her into the wheel chair, I helped her back into her clothes when it was all over. I'm trained to do this stuff, I can at least help my grandpa out by giving him a break. She looked at me and said "You all are so sweet here!"

It took my breath away for a minute, she thought I was one of the nurses. I took her fragile face in my hands and said "Ma, it's Emily, your Emily. I'm here." She had no idea. This was the very first time she didn't know me. She told me I was beautiful, and "a good little nursie." So props for that.

I cried all the way home. I knew she couldn't help it, but it broke me a little.

That was the last time I saw her. I was no longer her "Em," but her "nursie," and that's OK...because that's what she needed that day.

I miss her so bad it hurts. I miss the crafts we made, the flowers we planted, the long talks about nothing. The time I accidentally turned the shower on her, fully clothed....when I was 7 and she never let me live it down. My little mop that I used to follow her around with when I was just barely walking. I miss watching the deer in the morning with her. I miss hearing about all the genealogy research she had done. I miss the cards she sent every time I went away to camp, and even into college...once a month, without fail.

People keep telling me it will get better, and I know it will get easier, but it will never get better, because I will never again have my Ma again.

I know she is no longer in pain, and she has her memories again, and she is looking down on us, and I am so happy for that. I love you so much Ma,
Love always,
Your Miss Em
and your "Nursie" when you needed me the most

 

This picture was taken just before my wedding. My wedding was held outside and she couldn't make it out there because of the slope of the ground, so we got her a special inside seat so she could watch from the window. This also meant that she got to see the bride FIRST, which made her day! Now that my marriage is over, I don't care a bit about ANY of the photos except these first few with my Ma! I love them and I will always cherish those first few moments I had with her before marrying that jerk face!